Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
I could never Passover you.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
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