How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
I want you. I knead you.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
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