My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
I whale-y like you.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
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