I love your energy.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
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