What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
I’m rooting for you!
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
I hope for world peas.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
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