Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I’m feelin’ pine.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
I wanna bob for your apples.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
I want you more than I want world peace.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
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