On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
"Time wounds all heels."
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Girls just wanna have sun!
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
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