Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
You have been running through my mind all day.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
I Ecuador you.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
You're such a TEAse.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
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