The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
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