Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
I have a bone to pixie with you.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
"Lazy bones."
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
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