What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
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