Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
"Sip, sip hooray."
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
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