What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
You're the thought that counts!
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
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