There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
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