When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
I can turn your software into hardware.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Snow thank you.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
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