Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Knock knock.
Come in.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
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