Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Better read than dead.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
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