What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
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