What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
The superconductor left without resistance.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I'm snow bored.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
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