When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
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