Donut even think about taking another donut!
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Make it rein.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Leaf me alone.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
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