Let's cross the international dateline together.
Your love will always be up to par.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
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