“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Don't worry, bee happy!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
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