Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
"It's not me, it's you!"
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Icy what you did there!
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
"You're a real good egg."
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
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