Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
In Ireland, I call the shots.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Go to BabaMail
