What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
You are aged to perfection.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
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