“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Having a good hare day."
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Ants in your plants.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
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