Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
You're hotter than a data center!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
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