What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
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