If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
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