You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I like your tight end
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
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