Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
You are the square to my root.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
"I wood never leaf you."
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
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