What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
There’s snow one like you.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
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