Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
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