Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
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