Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!

What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.

What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.

You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.

What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”

I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates

Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.

Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.

What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.

Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore

How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv

What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.

How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.

Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!

Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.

What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”

Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?

Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.

I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"

A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx

What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

Biology - It grows on you.

What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...

I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.

Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.

A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.