Ice simply love it when it snows!

What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.

Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.

Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.

Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.

How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!

Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.

What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!

Irish food is legen-dairy.

Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: (Groan)

Fancy a climb? Mount me in.

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".

What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.

I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.

What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.

What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.

Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.

A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.

You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away

What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike

Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"

A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.

“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English

Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!

Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.

What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.

Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.

I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss

Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.

It takes one to snow one.

All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown

My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.

"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault

What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin