What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
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