Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
A round of Santa-plause, please.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Can February March? No. But April May.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
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