Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
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