Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin

What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.

It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.

Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.

Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.

Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters

“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward

The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”

I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.

I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.

Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.

We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'

What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.

As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.

I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.

When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"

What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?

What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly

I love you and I ain’t lion.

When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".

What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.

The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.

There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.

(By Faaizah)

What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.

The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.

I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.

“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe

Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.