What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Who needs luck? I have charm.
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