Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Let's Taco about love.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
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