Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.

Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.

Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.

"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".

There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.

A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.

What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.

Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.

Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.

Be-leaf me, you look great in green.

My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.

Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.

What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.

Dominic Pick-Up Lines

What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

Shell-abrate the good times!

What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve

You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.

How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy

What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.

I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"

Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM

What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.

What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!

The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.

The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.

What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!

At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.

Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.

I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.

What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.

Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose

Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.

How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.

What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!

A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him

Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck

Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.

How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.

Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.