Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
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