Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
I goat this.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
You snow the drill.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
We’re calling your number.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
I love your energy.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
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