Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
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