“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I think we need to become better strangers.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
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