What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
I always have a souper time with you.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Talk literary to me.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
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