“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
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