"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
All you need is MY love
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
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