What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Herb your enthusiasm.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
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