In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
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