It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
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