Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”

A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.

Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.

“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa

What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.

Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.

Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."

Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”

Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.

I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!

Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.

Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.

Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.

Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!

My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.

Practice safe text: use commas.

What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.

Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.

Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.

What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.

The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'

I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald

What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline

I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.

To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.

What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”

Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.

What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.

Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.

“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”