What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
How was Heaven when you left it?
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
You’re wine in a million.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
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