What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
Pugs and kisses.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Trowel and error.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
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