We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I think we'd make a cute pear.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
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