What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
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