Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
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