I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
Irish you were beer.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
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