I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Can you drive my car?
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Rudder valve reversals
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Go to BabaMail
