What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
Go to BabaMail
