What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
We are mint to be.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
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